Day 79

Tonight was my first "night out" with five other smokers.  Needless to say, I survived.  I still miss smoking, but I. did. it.

I am proud.  I have a Nicotine Anonymous Book - 90 Days, 90 Ways.  Today is day 79 of my recovery from nicotine and so I turned to that page to share with you.  Tomorrow will be 80 days.  I am so proud of myself.  It's still just one day at a time and I like it that way.

From the book, 90 Days, 90 Ways:

Show up, pay attention, tell the truth and don't be attached to the outcome. - Angeles Arrien

As the winter solstice approaches and the days become shorter, I am reminded of the darkness that seemed to grip me with increasing strength in the final days of my active addiction: the social ostracism; the fear, anxiety and worry over the harm I was causing myself physically; the utter hopelessness I felt about ever being able to quit.

I feared living without my constant companion.  I anticipated that life without nicotine would be impossible.  But the solstice teaches me that this projection was unwarranted.  Just it seems that darkness will never end, there comes a turning point when the days become longer and warmer.  Just as I anticipated that life would be unbearable without nicotine, recovery teaches me that life can be filled with so much goodness, beyond my wilder dreams.

Today I choose to live in anticipation that light inevitably follows darkness.