Nobody's Perfect

Day 39
Cigarettes Today (or since my last post): 0.5 (EW)
Chantix Side Effects (on a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being the worst): 0
Mood: Getting a little better.  Still not normal.
Cigarettes NOT Smoked Since Quit Date: 780
Hours Not Spent Smoking: 65

Friday night, to prove that I am not lame, I went out with one of my best friends.  We had a fabulous time and I did really well not smoking - until the end of the evening.  I had had just enough that I decided that I wanted a cigarette.  Big mistake.  It was foul tasting.  I am fairly certain I will not do that again.

Since my last update, a co-worker and friend of mine told me that I should go back to smoking because she liked me better that way.  She and I don't see eye to eye on everything and apparently, I have been rubbing her the wrong way lately.  Either way, what she said was really hurtful.  Sometimes, I feel like I like myself better as a smoker, too.  Smoker Tory is calm and patient.  She does not care if things don't go her way.  She just smooths over her emotions with a quick cigarette and moves on.  That being said, it will take me quite a while to determine how healthy Tory will find a way to react with the same patience and calmness of smoker Tory.  PS I explained to my friend how hurtful that comment was and she apologized.

There are currently 10 more days and one 2nd appraisal between us and the keys to our new home.  Hopefully the appraisal will be completed Monday or Tuesday and we will begin all of the closing stuff right after!  I am so excited to move in to our new home.

In the last two weekends, I have cleaned my grandparents' house, (sort of) helped my sister-in-law move, went to a niece's dedication, celebrated my fiance's birthday, went bridesmaid dress shopping with the girls (both for my wedding and my best friend's wedding), had dinner with friends and watched the Oscars, house sat for three dobermans, got a pedicure, did the running man at a bar, went to a niece's 2nd birthday party, fixed my crashed laptop (well Josh did that) and went mattress shopping.

What I did today (and the last few days) instead of smoking:

1. Realized my love for ginger ale.
2. Spent time playing dress up with my hair!  (I realize that you will believe it when you see it.)  Day 14 of hair challenge completed.
3. Bought new sandals for summer twenty ten.
4. Wore a tank top and basked in Arizona's sunshine.
5. Danced like no one was watching.

5 Weeks Tomorrow

Day 34
Cigarettes Today (or since my last post): 0
Chantix Side Effects (on a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being the worst): 0
Mood: Oh fine.  Crazy-ness at work, but nothing I can't handle.
Cigarettes NOT Smoked Since Quit Date: 680
Hours Not Spent Smoking: 56

What I did today instead of smoking:

1. Went out back with the smokers for fresh air!  My friend started Chantix yesterday.  Hooray for the revolution.
2. Called my mom.  Called my aunt.
3. Read a magazine - one of three that I bought with my Coke Rewards Points!  Body + Soul, Vanity Fair and Conde Naste Traveler.  Collecting Coke Points is super fun!  My aunt and friends save them for me.
4. Worked for over 12 hours.
5. Had a super yummy lunch at J. Alexander's.
6. Completed day 10 of the hair challenge - a different hair style everyday for 21 days!

I have decided that this blog has a fever - and the only cure is more cowbell.  And when I say cowbell, I mean pictures.  From now on, I will be sure to post pictures I promised to a while ago (new shoes) and fun stuff like the hair challenge!

In other news, in the last two weeks two houses have been simplified in to one and we are currently waiting on appraisal #2 for our new house.  Moving and buying a house are stressful, but not an excuse to start smoking again.  I am still taking things one day at a time - and believe you me, they add up pretty quick!

New Side Effect

Day 20
Cigarettes Today (or since my last post): 0
Chantix Side Effects (on a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being the worst): 10
Mood: Determined at work, tired at home
Cigarettes NOT Smoked Since Quit Date: 400

What I did today instead of smoking:

1. Joined co-worker in back while he had a cigarette. I realized that he and I hadn't really talked since I quit. Good news: he is quitting March 1! Woohoo... smoker revolution!
2. Called my Auntie Aye!
3. Listened to my old boss tell a story about back in the day when my high school was a drug dealing mecca. He was there during that time.
4. Wore a Snuggie to the Taco Bell drive thru (I never said I was proud of any of these things).
5. Laughed at my cat Peanut playing dead.

I've found certain joys in quitting smoking that I never really noticed before. For instance, warm feels cozier and food tastes better (that's a given). Laughing feels funnier. Maybe it's the Chantix, but I like it. I like being a non-smoker.

What I do not like about Chantix (read this past blog post if you're curious how Chantix works to help you quit smoking), is a new side effect that I experienced last night. Normally, Chantix makes you feel sleepy, so taking it right before bed is no big deal. And, by the time you would normally start to feel nauseous, you're already asleep. It's really a win/win!

But last night, when paired with a Large Diet Coke in the afternoon and a Diet Mountain Dew with dinner, my Chantix got angry. I fell asleep as usual, and then was awakened shortly thereafter burning up and with the worst stomach ache! My mind was racing and I could not get comfortable or fall back asleep for what seemed like eternity. I'm not positive it was the caffeine, but I don't normally have a problem falling asleep or staying asleep, so I think that might be it!

New Shoes

Day 19
Cigarettes Today (or since my last post): 0
Chantix Side Effects (on a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being the worst): 4 - a little sluggish feeling, no nausea, more like heartburn
Mood: Upbeat, positive
Cigarettes NOT Smoked Since Quit Date: 380

What I did today instead of smoking:

1. Texted that I was running late to work while driving. This is now illegal in Arizona This might be illegal someday in Arizona, but isn't quite yet.
   
2. Wore a cute belt over a turtle neck tunic sweater - perfect for rainy Arizona weather.
3. Picked up new prescription for Chantix - $170.00 budgeted for this expense. New BC/BS of California Rx insurance brought the retail price down to $20.00! I told the pharmacist that I would get a new pair of shoes! But coincidentally #4 is:
4. Bought a new pair of shoes yesterday! Went to DSW to spend a gift card from Melissa and had no idea what I wanted. I did not pick these shoes - they picked me. They are superb. I will post a photo later after I shave my legs.
5. Took a picture of a rainbow in the parking lot of Desert Ridge - so pretty!
6. Watched 24.
7. Treated myself to a new outfit from Kohl's.

After my post-work shopping trip, I wanted a cigarette - another trigger of mine is when I feel accomplished, I want a cigarette. Weird, huh? I took a deep breath and the want went away.

Ants in my pants, Ants in my pants... Lookin' like a fool with ants in my pants

Day 18
Cigarettes Today (or since my last post): 0
Chantix Side Effects (on a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being the worst): 0 - I've been bad about taking my morning Chantix, but still having crazy dreams from my night dose. Last night I dreamed that I had big, black ants crawling all over me.
Mood: Stressed and focused
Cigarettes NOT Smoked Since Quit Date: 360
Hours of Time I Have Not Spent Smoking: 30

Here is what Dreammoods.com has to say about dreaming about ants:

Ants

To see ants in your dream, signifies your general dissatisfaction in your daily life. You are feeling neglected and insignificant. Petty things will annoy you throughout the following day. You need to be more cooperative as this will be the only way to achieve your desires.

The dream may also be a metaphor on feeling antsy or restless or it can be a pun on your "aunt".

Ants also symbolize hard work, diligence and industry. Increase business activities are expected. On a less positive note, ants symbolize social conformity and mass action. In this regard, you may feel that your life is too structured and orderly.

According to the biblical interpretations, ants symbolize diligence concerning the things of God. Despite its small size, the ant lays up substance during times of plenty. (Prov 30:25)

It's fairly accurate to say that petty things annoy me right now or that I'm antsy or relestless. I'm quitting smoking.

Road rage is all the rage my life right now. My father used to flip his lid if someone was not driving a constant speed or cut him off or was driving slow for no reason (and the list goes on). As a child I would sink down lower in my seat in embarrassment.

Smoking helped me avoid experiencing the same rage. If someone was being a stupid driver or traffic was really bad, I would light up! What a joy to have a relaxing cigarette in the face of a gridlocked freeway. How easy it was to pass the time with my friend and entertainment - a little nicotine buddy. So for now, I'm blasting alternative rock and allowing myself to yell at other people while five-year old Tory is in sitting embarrassed in the backseat.

Also, I have been quite diligent lately at work, around the house, getting things together for our mortgage approval. So that definition works, too. And I've been doing a lot of praying lately for friends, family and Josh and me.

Here is what I did instead of smoking:

1. Daydreamed about fun outfits I have never worn before and played dress-up.
   
2. Watched Inglorious Basterds (a MUST see!)
3. Drank wine.
4. Read A Blissful Bounty on a daily basis.
5. Went shopping with my mother-in-law in their garage for furniture for our new house.
6. Wore cozy new socks hand-knit, from my mother-in-law.
7. Met with the most awesome DJ in Arizona who will be doing our wedding!
8. Went to dinner in the dark with my fiance. The power went out right after we got our food - lucky us!
9. Treated myself to a Skinny Vanilla Latte and Blueberry Scone on a rainy Saturday morning.
10. Taken lots of deep breaths.

I can't think of a good title for this post and it's pissing me off.

Day 13
Cigarettes Today: 0
Chantix Side Effects (on a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being the worst): I'm not sure I even took it this morning. Could not remember, but I think I did, so I guess that means 0?
Mood: Scattered at work, Glad to be home
Cigarettes NOT Smoked Since Quit Date: 260

Today was a busy day with a meeting in downtown PHX where I successfully lost my ID and debit card. I attended the Greek Awards at ASU and spent some quality time with my favorite collegians. I did not even know my ID/debit card were missing until I received a call from my Nana, who I now realize is the only family member sharing my last name who is listed in the phone book. She gave me the number of Officer Stahl, the security guard who luckily found my lost items. I promptly called him only to realize that the number Nana gave me was wrong. UGH. Right about this time, I was navigating out of the visitor parking garage at ASU and was glad to actually have cash on me (for once!) to pay for parking sans debit card.

I am ashamed to share some of the things that I did today instead of smoking. I am proud of some of the activities I do instead of smoking, but others are fits of frustration and impatience which I hope will be fewer and further between as time goes on.

Here is what I did today instead of smoking:

1. Put together an outfit that I had never worn before.
   
2. Told a co-worker that I quit smoking when she invited me to have a cigarette with her.
   
3. Shook my head in disgust and swore to myself when I almost hit a bicyclist in Tempe. I know they have the right of way, but he was looking at the ground!
4. Yelled at a bus that stopped for no apparent reason in the middle of a left turn.
5. Called one of my BFF's to find out the next time she was going to spin class. P.S. It's Thursday - let's see if I go!

Luckily, I got a hold of Officer Stahl and I will pick up my things tomorrow!

Ch Ch Ch Ch Changes...

Turn and face the strange ch ch changes...

Day 12
Cigarettes Today: 0
Chantix Side Effects (on a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being the worst): 3
Mood: Determined at work and home
Cigarettes NOT Smoked Since Quit Date: 240

As a smoker, I always tried to rationalize when was the best time to quit. Certainly around November/December would be disastrous because it's the holiday season. And you don't want to quit just because it's a New Year's resolution, so January is out. And you know that any big event like a move or starting a new job or breaking up with a boyfriend meant that it was not a good time to quit either.

After these rationalizations began to continue, I realized that there truly is no good time to quit. So, now, is just as a good a time as any to quit smoking despite the fact that Josh and I are buying a house, moving twice in one month, planning a wedding and getting married all in one year. Did I mention that I am working two jobs, cleaning my grandparents house about once a month and house sitting/baby sitting when I can squeeze them into my sanity?

So if I can do it, surely you can, too.

It's funny how having so much to do has actually helped me quit smoking. Staying focused on little tasks athand will add up to days, weeks, months and years of not smoking.

Here is what I did today instead of smoking:

1. Woke up and attempted a copy-cat outfit from one of my dearest friend Lauren's fashion blog. Was unsuccessful, but most of my clothes are in boxes. I did the best I could with what I had.
   
2. Sat at my desk and ate lunch on Facebook.
   
3. Made macaroni and cheese from scratch. It was pretty good - next time will serve as a side dish.
   
4. Played with my kitties.
5. Cleaned glass stove top.
6. Watched the Olympics and 24.
   

Oh Joy, I'll try a Cigarette

Day 8
Cigarettes Today: .05 of 1 - it was gross, not sure why I even bothered
Chantix Side Effects (on a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being the worst):
Mood: Sassy at work, Exhausted at home

I figure at some point, I should discuss my history with battling nicotine addiction. But then I figured I could always just send you to my main blog's one and only post about the last time I quit.

Here is what I did today instead of smoking:
1. Was sarcastically (jokingly) mean to a co-worker all day. I think he might have actually started to believe me by the end of the day, or it was just getting annoying and he was fed up.
2. Got a pedicure and manicure
3. Cried on the inside when the nice Asian lady ripped off a blister and poured alcohol on it

Today I didn't need much to distract me from the habitual urge to smoke. It was a busy day at work and early on, I decided to dangle the mani/pedi in front of my work horse to celebrate making it one week with no cigarettes.

Oddly enough, I apparently enjoy smoking to celebrate good news, too, not just stress, because I immediately reached for a cigarette when Josh and I were basking in the glow of an accepted offer on the house we are hoping to buy! That was my crux today.

But, I'm not starting my counting again. I'm just not.

Short But Bittersweet

Day 7
Cigarettes Today: 0
Chantix Side Effects (on a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being the worst): 8
Mood: ADD at work, defeated at home

Here is what I did today instead of smoking:
1. Played with a baby
2. Listened to Ipod on repeat (this song)
3. Yelled at an older woman who insisted on driving less than 5 mph in the Post Office parking lot and who signaled when making three consecutive turns that were ONE WAY turns. Did I mention it was the SECOND Post Office I went to (the first was closed) and it was 4:50 p.m.?
4. Thanked God that my packages were already postmarked! The line was 20 people deep.
5. Sat and stared.
6. Cried when I accidentally erased Group Week of American Idol.
7. Thanked Josh for promptly downloading Group Week of American Idol at the first sight of tears.

But I didn't have ONE cigarette! :-)

Join Me as I Fight the Good Fight Against Nicotine

Day 6
Cigarettes Today: 0
Chantix Side Effects (on a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being the worst): 5
Mood: Annoyed at work/Fine at home

This blog officially starts day 6 of Chantix in my third (or is it fourth now?) venture to quit smoking. As I didn't really like to write about my quitting smoking struggles on my personal blog, I decided to start a quick, bullet-point blog that will list daily (or as close-to-daily-as-possible) what I did instead of smoking.

When you consider that each cigarette takes about 5 minutes to smoke, not to mention the time it takes to walk to a "smoking area," if you're at a pack-a-day habit, that's 100 minutes out of your life each day. Part of the joy of not smoking is finding what to do with those 100 minutes each day.

Here is what I did today instead of smoking:
1. Listened to my Ipod at work (specifically albums I hadn't listened to in a while)
2. Rearranged my cubicle (well, I did this yesterday, but I didn't have this blog yesterday)
3. Took dogs on a walk
4. Watched American Idol
5. Started a blog
6. Took a bath*

Yesterday my co-worker invited me outside for a cigarette. When I told her I was quitting again, she replied sarcastically, "Oh, you're trying that again." The cubicle world I work in burst in to awkward laughter at her discouraging comment. But it's true, a fellow smoker is the best one to understand how hard it is to quit.

Something feels different about this time, though. I'm more determined to make a big change in my life and saying good bye to cigarettes seems like a good way to do it. Join me as I share my experiences of past attempts at quitting, what I learned from each failed attempt and what I do each day during this journey to fill my life with joy instead of cigarettes.

*I bathe regardless of whether or not I'm smoking, but I took a bath to relax instead of necessity.